Autism And Animals, The Love And The Loss

For many months now I have been thinking about getting a pet.

I know it would enhance my quality of life in unquantifiable ways. I know this, because I’ve had pets before.

Bonds with animals can be some of the most rewarding, fulfilling and supportive that we can form. Animals don’t judge us, they don’t abuse us, they don’t reject us (well, sometimes they don’t want to hang out with us, but that’s not the same!). Some people develop deeper, more loving relationships with animals than they can access with humans. This is prevalent among Autistics. It could be because speech is unnecessary, because we won’t be subject to ableism, because the bonds are uncomplicated by colonised constructs about how to socialise, because they are simple and loving. And when we lose them, it can be soul crushing.

When I was a child, I had kittens. Three. Not at the same time. The first was Sukey, she was a beautiful little ball of grey fluff. I had these skirts, they were thick cotton, I had one in yellow and one in pink, they came to just below the knees. I would sit on the carpet in my living room, with my legs stretched out in front of me, and Sukey would curl up between my legs, in the folds of my soft skirt. Sukey died when she was just a few months old, it turned out that she had feline leukaemia virus. She had been sick when we adopted her, that’s why she slept so very much, her little body was trying to cope. I thought she just liked to be warm and cosy in my skirts. And I guess she did.

After Sukey, I got a black and white tom cat that my mum named Winkey. He was so smart! He could open the bathroom door, he was such a sharp and friendly little guy. I don’t remember how old he was when he was hit by a car, but he was not quite an adult cat. I think I might have still been numb from the pain of losing Sukey, because I don’t remember the pain I felt, even though I remember that I was extremely sad. We had some older cats who passed away not long after, that was the first time we were completely without cats in the house. So when we adopted again, we got a mum and two of her kittens. When we went to choose from the kittens, I knew which one was going to be mine. He was mostly black, and sleek, and curious. I named him Mickey. Gosh did I love that cat. He was so gorgeous. And cheeky! He loved food - he used to chase me around when I had pizza (I didn’t give him any!), and try to steal my ice cream (he succeeded at this occasionally). He knew I was his human. When I got home from school, he would come and sit on my lap and groom my fingers. He was the love of my young life. The day he was struck by a car, was profoundly traumatic. I was 11, and I can still remember the pain. It flooded my whole mindbody. Perhaps it was compounded by being the third loss in as many years, but my whole world fell down. I cried for months. I started high school not long afterwards and I was bullied for crying about my dead cat. I remember I boy made up a rap about it. Strangely, that feels like the most vulnerable part of this story to share - the humiliation still stings. When I left for university six years later, I returned home after my first term to find I had developed an allergy to cats. It seems my mindbody had had enough grief and was taking action where I wouldn’t. As luck would have it, I developed year-long hay-fever a few years later, meaning I would start taking antihistamines every day. Perhaps this happened around the time my mindbody decided I was ready to love and lose, again.

As with everything else in the world of neurodivergence, this deep love and connection with animals can also interact with white supremacy. There are many people who care about animals more than humans, and lean into this ‘humans are horrible, animals are innocent and loving’ idea to justify ignoring and indeed contributing to human suffering, without recognising how this hurts animals too. Loving animals is not a pass to ignore the harms of racism and colonisation, yet it is frequently used to this affect. There are animals being killed in Congo and Gaza and every country being bombed, pillaged for resources and forced into poverty and famine. There are animals on the verge of extinction because of the destruction and commercialisation of Indigenous land. There are animals being abused by the same people who beat their spouses. This isn’t a binary where the alternative is human-centred design - that is just another harmful hierarchy. We can’t pick and choose which lives we respect without also upholding systems that harm all life, including the lives we claim to care about. To support one being, we must consider the needs of all, we are all connected.

Putting love for an animal above all else can harm animals in our own environment too. According to Bird Spot, gardens make up at least 20% of the breeding habitat for many species of UK birds whose numbers are in decline. I’ve considered long and hard if I can adopt a cat and tend to my needs, theirs and that of the wider environment. At the moment I’m about here: I am going to adopt two cats, because in my experience they enjoy feline company as well as human affection and solitary time. I am not going to let them out into the garden, this will protect them from cars and the poison people put out for foxes (I can’t even with this). In addition, my nesting partner (polyamorous term for the partner you live with) has worked hard on cultivating a beautiful, wild space and we have scores of birds, many of whom breed in our garden each spring. Not only would these birds lose their homes if I introduced cats into it, we would lose the joy and connection that we get from watching them go about their lives in our little wilderness. I am more than happy to be one of those ‘weirdos’ who walks their cats. We have some gorgeous spaces nearby where I will take them out for exercise and exploration. Right now this feels like a decent balance across all the beings involved. Imperfect, but balanced.

And although I’m opening myself up to loss again, I have a feeling that this time around, the love is going to collect all the shattered pieces of my soul from kitties past.

Healing and risking and loving, to the rhythmic sound of gentle purrs.

—AJ

Today’s Neuro-Embodiment Prompts:

Suggestions and questions to help you engage with mindbody decolonisation:

• Have you loved and lost animals? Were you given space and grace and support to grieve those losses? If not, how can you honour that grief now? What compassion, what ritual, what reverence is needed to heal?

• Do you put animal life above human life? How can you challenge this hierarchy? How can you connect the ways you support and respect animals to decolonisation and support and respect for all beings?