Curses And Shame

I got pregnant a decade ago.

I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t well. And I knew what I wanted and needed to do.

I called my local GP practice and made an appointment, on the phone the receptionist asked what it was for, and I told her I needed a termination. When I walked into the room a day or so later, I was greeted by a doctor who was (at least) six months pregnant. I looked at her bump, and then I looked her in the eyes, and I knew this had been planned.

In a country where, at that point, abortion had been legal for 47 years, someone, or possibly more than one person, decided to send a person wanting a termination to a visibly pregnant doctor. Thinking about the level of paternalism, supremacy and lack of compassion it takes to do that still brings me anger and confusion.

When I told her why I was there, she said:

‘Are you sure?’

This is fair enough to ask. Important to ask. I said yes. I spoke firmly, clearly, with conviction. Then she said:

‘What if this is your only chance?’

I was gobsmacked. Totally knocked sideways.

Even through my pain, my shock and my anger, I was able to say to her:

‘You shouldn’t be saying that to me…’

She replied that it was the only way to be certain it was the right decision and then pressured me in to saying these words: ‘Even if this is my only chance, I still want to go through with this’.

The rest is a bit of a blur. She booked me in for a termination at a local clinic. I am not going to talk about that day in this piece.

The way that doctor spoke to me didn’t change the outcome. Nothing she could say, was ever going to change the outcome. What she did, was to traumatise someone who was vulnerable and needed support and care. At the time, even though I knew her treatment of me was wrong, I didn’t experience it for what it was - a manipulation tactic engaged by an anti-abortion doctor in order to delay or obstruct an abortion. Instead, it felt like a curse. Like I’d been forced to drink poison.

Fast-forward to November 2023…

I’ve been trying to conceive for 3 years.

Sometimes, when I am in a particularly low place on the first day of my period, I hear her words. Her curse echoes in my head and I retreat into shame and guilt, and I sob.

We’ve been fed the belief that abortion is a modern concept, when in fact it is ancient. It is another thing that has always been a part of being human but colonialism presents as some kind of recent sickness that must be eradicated. Forcing people to carry children when they don’t want to is what is modern, and what is sick. It is driven by the patriarchal desire to subjugate and control AFAB people, to supply extractive capitalism with a constant stream of new labour, to bolster the profitable business of adoption, among other nefarious motivations that have fuck all to do with respect for life.

It has been many years, and I have worked through a lot of the pain connected to the whole experience. I have been thinking for a while about whether I wanted to share my story, and recently I had a realisation. The way for me to release the last vestiges of power and shame of the curse that was given to me that day, is to bring it out into the light.

So I am showing it to the light, and I am releasing it.

I am releasing myself of guilt for accessing healthcare that I needed when I needed it. I am releasing myself of shame for choosing me. I am releasing the idea that my actions then have any bearing on what is happening right now, or what will happen in the future. I am releasing the power that her words have held over me for so long.

People who have abortions are worthy of having children later if and when they choose to. People who have abortions deserve to be treated with kindness, respect and to engage with healthcare professionals who do not project their personal feelings and agenda onto them. I don’t believe that doctor actually cursed me - I don’t think she had the power to do such a thing. I do believe she gave me trauma that I carry with me in my mindbody, perhaps even in my uterus, my ovaries. She injected me with colonial poison, and I am purging myself of every last bit of it, making space for air and light and hope and radical self-love.

And whether it be children, businesses, transformation or liberation…

I know I have many births in my future.

—AJ

Today’s Neuro-Embodiment Prompts:

Suggestions and questions to help you engage with mindbody decolonisation:

• Are you carrying curses around in your mindbody? Who gave them to you? What was their agenda? How can you purge yourself of any residual poison they left behind?

• Is there anything you’re holding that has the power of shame over you? Can you bring any of it into the light? How? When? With whom? What might happen if you let go of shame? What might take its place?