The request was simple. If you would like to visit with us and meet the baby, we ask that you either bring us some food, or help out with some housework while here. We had made this request of anyone who asked to come and see us in the first few months of our baby’s life.

One friend wasn’t able to make it to us in those early days, and instead ended up visiting only recently, after my child had turned six months old. When they messaged about their visit, they asked if I would prefer food or help with housework, and I said whatever worked for them. They ended up not having time to make any food, but said they would bring snacks. I thanked them and said not to worry, that I actually intended to cook a big batch of saag paneer and it would be most helpful if they could look after the baby while I did this. I had stopped making the original request for help from visitors after my child had reached about four months old, as both my nesting partner and I found we had a bit more space to do things outside what was essential to keep her alive and well. Still, I was nourished by the attentiveness to the request all the same and it reminded me that I still do appreciate and need more support than I am getting on a daily basis.

When my friend arrived, we chatted and had some tea. They told me that they had talked about my request with their family, and wanted to discuss their reaction with me. When they had mentioned cooking for me, their parents seemed confused. When my friend explained that I had requested that they either bring food or help with housework, the confusion turned to something else… anger. They were outraged. My friend’s mother said that in all her years, and birthing three children, she would never have asked anyone to do that. They told my friend not to cook for me.