I Am A Sloth And I Like It

‘Do you have a routine?’ I was asked this by a friend recently.

My instinctual answer, was ‘no’.

I said this, because I work for myself, from home, and every day is different. But as I thought about it more, I realised that I was answering from the construct that routine means ‘daily routine’, and this gave me pause. Why did I automatically associate a routine with 24 hours? And why did I feel some shame around answering ‘no’? After thinking about it, I realised that I do have some elements of daily routine, and that, I do have routine, but much of it doesn’t happen daily. I ended up describing a ‘weekly cycle’. And I’ve been thinking about routine, time and cycles ever since.

As an Autistic ADHDer, I have a seemingly contradictory need for sameness and novelty. It’s why I can eat kiwis for breakfast every day for a year, and then feel like I never want to see a kiwi ever again. Now they’ve been replaced with apples and I’m trying to mix it up with Palestinian dates to try to avoid the too-much-sameness trap of doom. I have routine, I need routine, but I also need variation. As someone who experiences a strong Pervasive Desire for Autonomy, I also need to do it all on my terms. The thing is, I’m actually describing most humans here. Most of us need sameness in some areas of our lives, novelty in others, and all of us have a desire to act from our agency - we are just taught that where and when these things occur should be dictated by the systems and authority figures around us - rather than ourselves and our natural needs for each of these things. We have been conditioned to believe that all humans have the same cycles and that these cycles are necessary. Not only necessary, but that there is shame in not conforming to these cycles, leading to feelings of guilt and inadequacy if performing them is difficult or impossible, or simply not right for us.

Capitalism is a construct that dictates that we should be ‘working to earn a living’ at least 8 hours per day. The same construct that led to three meals a day becoming ‘the norm’ - because it fits around work, not because it’s what our mindbodies need or ask for, not without being trained to this routine. Time moves more quickly at higher altitudes, slows down at the highest speeds (these are tiny differences, imperceptible to us, but scientifically measurable). Our perception of the passage of time changes depending on what is happening. Time is not a fixed, tangible thing that we can colonise, and much of the way we view and interact with time is constructed. ‘Spending time’, ‘wasting time’, ‘killing time’, what are these phrases if not capitalism living in our heads - ironically ‘rent free’? Time is not a currency to be spent, a resource to be wasted, or an enemy to be killed. We have been conditioned to fear aging so much that there is an multi-billion dollar industry built on us feeling afraid to age instead of excited to be alive. Birthdays are met with anxiety and botox instead of humility and gratitude. Right now, there is a multi-millionaire who is investing his money and energy into ‘trying to beat death’, treatments include blood transfusions from his teenage son. We are so disconnected from living, from purpose, from unity, that many are trying to conquer death instead of embrace life. What could be more absurd than a reality that justifies the killing of brown children as ‘self defence’ and supports old white men trying to colonise death itself?

On the subject of white supremacy, urgency is a characteristic of this that couples well with capitalism to keep us bound up in harmful relationships with time. There is so much fabricated urgency around us and it shows up in our work, in our communication, in our relationships, in ourselves. That doesn’t mean to say nothing is urgent, but when we are being bullied into believing that many non-urgent things are urgent, how do we develop the skills needed to discern what truly needs our attention and what can wait? Moreover, when many of these ‘urgent’ things benefit the systems that harm us, we need to develop the skills to discern what is not only non-urgent, but something we should be rejecting altogether.

All humans share some elements of a 24 hour cycle. Our circadian rhythms control our wake-sleep cycle, we all need to sleep every day- how much sleep we need varies greatly from person to person and stages of life, yet we are shamed and termed lazy if we need more than 8 hours. We need to drink water, every day - this is a real one. We don’t need to eat every day, and occasional and intermittent fasting has been practiced for millennia, largely for spiritual reasons (more recently as part of diet culture). I don’t say this without thinking of the millions of people living in poverty, who are homeless, those being forcibly starved and forced into famine as part of ongoing genocide - there is enormous privilege in being able to pick and choose when to eat and I am acutely aware of this. I simply say it to ask us to reflect on whether we are following our own natural cycles, or those we’ve been trained to follow. What are we told we ‘need’ to do every day? Shower, brush our teeth, work for 8 hours or more, interact with other people, cook for ourselves, do some housework. I know many people for whom completing all of these every day is completely inaccessible, and trying to do so has contributed greatly to what we often term ‘burnout’. I’m one of them. Showering and teeth brushing can be a sensory nightmare for Autistic folx. Working ‘for a living’ for eight hours, five days per week can be impossible for many folx including those living with chronic pain, CPTSD/PTSD, for ADHDers and Autistics and those with many other forms of neurodivergence. Menstrual cycles influence the way needs and energy manifest for a third of the population. Yet there is so much pressure to perform these 24 hour cycles identically to everyone else or feel immense shame, regardless of how well it aligns with our own mindbody cycles.

I am a slow-moving creature. And I like it. In fact, I love it. I love moving steadily, with purpose, with intention, with control. I love the slow unfurling of movement, of communication, of experience. I love taking long, deep, breaths. I love ‘taking my time’ - ugh, another one to ditch - how can I ‘take’ something that is already mine? Who am I taking it from? The framing is loaded with shame and guilt. Instead, I love… savouring my time. I am a self proclaimed sloth, and I reject all notions of laziness and ‘sin’ associated with my human, normal, sacred need to move through life at a gentle pace. I believe there are many of us who want and need to move more slowly. Who want to have the stillness (even if it’s for a split-second) that lives inside being truly present. This is where connection is, where clarity is, where compassion is. And yet, we need to survive capitalism. I am not going to ‘Brené Brown’ you with generic advice that doesn’t work when systems of harm are trying to kill you. I am not going to give you advice, full stop. I’m just sharing my thoughts and my journey, and asking, if we can collectively move towards a shedding of shame, of guilt for moving at our natural paces. If we can pour into each other such that our most vulnerable and deliberately disadvantaged community members can slow down. And if by doing so, where we can, that we can ultimately reshape our reality to one where we value wellbeing over productivity, living over colonising, and savouring our time - together.

Today’s Neuro-Embodiment Prompts:

Suggestions and questions to help you engage with mindbody decolonisation:

• Reflect on your routines - what is serving you? What is serving those you care about? What is serving systems of harm? What do you want to change?

• Explore your own cycles, what are you currently trying to fit into 24 hours that might sit more comfortably in a weekly cycle? A monthly one?

• How might you be upholding false urgency? In your relationship with yourself and others, in your communication? How can you disrupt this?

• How might it feel to slow right down? Where can you introduce more moments of presence into your cycles? More moments of connection?

• Who can you pour into to help them to slow down? How can you do this? Financially? Physically supporting them? Emotional holding? Community-building?