Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria And White Supremacy Culture

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, while not listed in the DSM- 5, is commonly understood to be a prevalent feature of ADHD. Characterised by intense and painful (emotional and/or physical) experiences within the mindbody triggered by;

• rejection (the real or perceived withdrawal of love, approval, or respect)

• teasing

• criticism, no matter how constructive

• persistent self-criticism or negative self-talk prompted by a real or perceived failure

Something that is little understood by those who don’t experience RSD is just how disabling it can be. I was teased, mocked and bullied for being ‘too sensitive’ for ‘crying about everything’ and for taking criticism and rejection hard. Who is to say what the compound impact of bullying for experiencing RSD does to a person already experiencing RSD, but my anxiety around criticism, humiliation and rejection followed me far into adulthood and has contributed to physical illness, tumultuous relationships, and painful and scary experiences of navigating my survival of capitalism.

Colonial norms mean that we are often shamed for experiencing RSD. Sensitive children are rarely appreciated for who they are or the gifts of kindness and consideration and care that sensitivity can bestow. I believe, in that ‘missing’ of sensitive children, we are also missing opportunities to help them to develop strategies for self regulation and taking responsibility for themselves and their actions. The sensitivity is dismissed or criticised, leading to shame and guilt, and the reactions are not held or managed in any constructive way. We may also be ‘coddled’ - comforted and soothed and bribed in our distress, but not taught to consider what is happening to or for those around us. Neither of these approaches is helpful in the long run.

Once in adulthood, still experiencing this debilitating reaction to rejection, real or perceived, we can no longer look at this only through the lens of our own experience, despite the fact many of us were not given the tools we need to understand or navigate this. Nevertheless, we now need to look at this through lenses of self awareness that situate us within intersectionality. We now hold power, or have power held over us, depending on a variety of factors. It is not enough to say ‘RSD is valid’, we must recognise that our RSD might lead to an outward reaction that could cause or exacerbate harm, depending on the power dynamics at play. For example, when a person with access to whiteness is called in or out for behaviour that upholds white supremacy, they might experience RSD. These feelings are real, but it is not the job of a Global Majority person to comfort or regulate us in that moment, and if we continue to cause harm through an unchecked reaction to RSD - this is where it becomes very problematic. Similarly, RSD may be a factor in a person not standing up or speaking up for deliberately disadvantaged folx, for fear of getting it wrong and the pain that may follow. This is an example of how we are all healing from the same harmful systems. Perfectionism, defensiveness, fear of conflict are all pillars of white supremacy culture, the pathologising of sensitivity is a result of the colonial construct of normal, and racism is the foundation of the colonial hierarchy of power and control. The key to healing and navigating this, is holding the nuance and interconnectedness. Recognising, that while RSD may be causing you extreme pain at an individual level, you may be upholding and perpetuating a systemic level of harm to a person with less access to whiteness than you. Remembering also that Global Majority folx who experience RSD are also experiencing racism - and as someone who has lived this, I can tell you, the results are devastating.

RSD can also be weaponised against the person experiencing it. I recently wrote a post about a client who was told by another neurodivergent person that their reaction to something was because of their RSD. Using someone’s diagnosis to gaslight and manipulate them is ableism and white supremacy in action. Only you know what your RSD feels like, and only you have any right to name it in yourself. Not all neurodivergents are practicing neuro-embodiment and decolonisation. Some of us are trying to dismantle the game, others are simply trying to win it. We must be vigilant around this, and pursue community with folx who share our goals, not just our identities.

So how do we navigate RSD and our location within the systems we currently exist in? We need to heal from the shame that ableism and childhood bullying may have instilled in us, and we need to take responsibility and accountability for the ways in which our reactions to RSD may impact others. It is likely going to be impossible to remember and hold all this in the moment that we experience RSD, and this is where we need to introduce and practice boundaries. When do we need to step away from our keyboards? When do we need to leave a situation physically? When do we need to feel the fear and speak up anyway?

Since I began healing, I experience RSD so differently. It still happens and it can still be debilitating, but the shame has shrunk… it has all but vanished. I know I am not too sensitive, or a ‘cry baby’, I know I will make mistakes and that I will be given grace by those who care for me and believe in my ability to grow, I know I do not have to perform to be loved. I am a highly relational person, who seeks deep connection, who is capable of vast compassion. I am fiercely proud of these qualities and the depth of the relationships they create with others. When I utilise tools to ensure my RSD is honoured and expressed, while protecting others from any fall out, I feel free, alive and in my agency. A voice from deep within whispers a quiet but defiant ‘fuck you’ to the systems that benefit from my turmoil. And I smile.

—AJ

Today’s Neuro-Embodiment Prompts:

Suggestions and questions to help you engage with mindbody decolonisation:

• Do you experience very strong reactions to rejection or criticism? Practice the Four Rs:

  • Remove - yourself from the trigger

  • Regulate - your nervous system

  • Release - shame and guilt

  • Return - to take responsibility, to repair harm, to advocate/accomplice/ally

• How are you engaging with sensitive children in your life? How can you help them to feel seen and validated in their sensitivity, while helping them to develop the skills they need to regulate and take responsibility?

• How does your RSD interact with systems of harm? How can you develop more compassion for yourself in this? What support do you need? From whom?

• How does your access to whiteness interact with RSD? How can you strengthen your ability to be accountable for your actions and repair harm?