Sometimes, It Takes A Shutdown

I didn’t release a newsletter when it was ‘due’ on Thursday, for the first time since I began writing Mindbodies Decolonised 18 months ago.

At the writing of my last newsletter, I was feeling energised and hopeful. I had moved through the most consistently painful moments after my miscarriage, and I was engaging with my identity and heritage in ways that were hugely nourishing. Then I got ill. It was ‘only’ a cold. But it took me out. I felt so awful, I tested for COVID, but it was negative. It lasted over a week, and the congestion still lingers, as does a sore throat that will not shift. As I am working for myself, I did not take any time off. My clients had been understanding when I rescheduled during my miscarriage, and I have no one else to take on my work. The work I was able to book for this last quarter provides half the earnings I will make this calendar year - earnings that take me into ‘living wage’ territory for the first time since leaving the corporate world.

I have 21 paid subscribers out of 662 total. Paid and free subscribers receive the same posts. I have always wanted to retain a free option so that it is accessible, and trust that those who can afford to support me financially will do so. But I would be lying if I said that it wasn’t becoming challenging to keep writing with the frequency and depth that I have been offering my audience while navigating the pressures of extractive capitalism. If all my subscribers paid £5 a month, I would earn enough from my newsletter to stop taking on a lot of the other paid work that takes so much of my energy and creativity. I understand that that isn’t feasible for some, but I know too that it is for others. The reality is, I need to re-evaluate my newsletter and how I engage with it next year. Between illness and paid commitments, by Thursday I was in shutdown, with no drafts or previous writing available to share. I know that there are methods that can be engaged to write and schedule articles ahead of time, to always have content to share, and Sharon Hurley Hall is currently offering one such course on this. Perhaps engaging in that needs to be part of my reset.

I have much more to give, but right now I need deep rest. I hope to be able to continue to give to my readers, on an ethical platform (that doesn’t support Nazis), when I am refreshed and have realigned with my purpose. For now, I am taking the rest of the year and January off from writing here. A fear that has held me back from taking a break is that I may lose some paid subscribers. And I might. But if your financial support is tied to me being in a constant state of production, then you have missed the point of my newsletter, and parting ways will be best.

From recent subscribers to those who have been here a while who may feel disappointed, here are some of my favourites for you to discover or revisit:

In ‘The Unsettling Nature of Decolonisation’, I contextualise my work in decolonial theory.

In ‘There is Nothing Pathological About Demand Avoidance’ I explore the systems that demonise natural instincts and offer an alternative pathology at play.

In ‘Masking as Monogamous’ I examine the colonial and patriarchal conditioning that prevented me from finding an important part of myself for many years, and the joy and freedom that accompanied its discovery.

In the ‘Power of Naming’ I suggest that, in order to achieve a world where identity ‘labels’ are no longer needed, we must all explore and claim the names that truly belong to us first.

In ‘I Don't Have Special Needs, You're Just Ignoring Your Own’ I argue that under colonialism, capitalism and white supremacy, none of us are getting our needs met.

In ‘If We Are Superheroes, Who Are The Villains?’ I challenge the ‘superpowers’ narrative around Disability and Neurodivergence as rooted in individualism and other harmful products of colonialism, and offer an antidote.

In ‘Childishness as Resistance’ I talk about the need to reclaim play as a necessary and fundamental part of existence and a path to liberation.

In ‘Justice Sensitivity Is The Cure, Not The Sickness’ I reject the notion of sensitivity to injustice as a pathology, and explore the ways in which it is an avenue to retaining our humanity.

I have more favourites, but if I don’t stop there I’ll just end up listing them all, so I invite you to go and explore the back catalogue and find your own!

Goodbye for now, thank you so much for being here.

Wishing you rest, joy and regulation.

--AJ