The Myth Of The Anti-Social Autistic

It is a myth that Autistics are anti-social. We are social, it just looks, sounds and feels different to what we’ve all been taught to expect and perform. Some of us experience being non speaking - either some of the time or all of the time. I experience it sometimes, and when I do - it doesn’t automatically mean I don’t want to be around people or communicate with them. It does not make one anti-social because they do not communicate in the way you have been taught is ‘normal’.

I don’t ask all the questions you are ‘supposed’ to ask. It’s not, as neuronormative, ableist assumptions (and diagnostic criteria) often conclude, because I am not interested in other people. It’s because I don’t know if they want to answer all those questions. I don’t know what they want to talk about. I communicate by talking about what I want to talk about (sometimes referred to as info dumping), then I love hearing about what you want to talk about. I genuinely love just hearing people talk passionately about things - and they only do that when they are talking about what they choose to talk about, not when they are answering questions on subjects that I have chosen.

I really enjoy my own company and can get lost in my own world for hours, this has been an invaluable life skill for me - particularly during lockdowns at the height of the COVID pandemic restrictions. I also need time to process, decompress and recover from the sensory overload that accompanies human interaction. But, without people, I get lonely and feel anxious and depressed. Autistics need human connection, it may be less frequent, with fewer people, and it may look and feel different to the colonial construct of normal. What we need is for people to adjust their idea of what socialising can be, rather than to isolate us because we won’t or can’t partake in a rigid structure of social performance. Sitting together in silence while we both do something that interests us, is social. Being together in the same space, is social. Taking turns to talk passionately about our special interests, is social. Genuine community is being together without having to perform.

The diagnostic criteria for Autism (in the DSM- 5) includes:’Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships, ranging, for example, from difficulties adjusting behaviour to suit various social contexts; to difficulties in sharing imaginative play or in making friends; to absence of interest in peers.’

While I ‘meet’ this criteria, it is only because colonial constructed society considers there to be a correct way to develop, maintain and understand relationships, that we ‘should’ adjust our behaviour in various social contexts, that ‘sharing imaginative play’ is integral to social bonding, and that I am uninterested in my peers because I don’t always ask people lots of invasive questions.

Is it not anti-social to ask people about their jobs when they may be struggling for money, not enjoy their job, or even be experiencing discrimination at work?

Is it not anti-social to assume heteronormativity and desire for and ability to have children?

Is it not anti-social to expect someone to predict what questions to ask you instead of just talking about the things you want to say?

Is it not anti-social to exclude us because we don’t socialise according to your rules?

Being honest and direct is also considered anti-social. ‘Oh we were having such a nice time! Don’t ruin it with your thoughts and feelings.’ Niceness is a tool of white supremacy and fear of open conflict is another characteristic of that culture. Real community involves disagreement, and it is only psychologically safe if that conflict can be received and worked through without fear of negative consequences, and where people’s boundaries are respected.

‘Socialising’ with people, particularly when you don’t know all of them well, is only a genuinely safe pursuit if you are white, cis, straight, thin, pretty, wealthy and non-disabled. The more deliberately disadvantaged groups you belong to, the more likely you are to be harmed in a non-familiar social setting by racism, misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, fatphobia, ableism etc. A lot of what we have been taught to believe is social behaviour is actually a performance of colonially constructed whiteness. Which is by nature, heteronormative, cisnormative and neuronormative.

I am able to mask, which means I can neuro-perform in social situations. Doing so for more than 30 years has taken a great toll on my health, and contributed to the autistic burnout I am yet to recover from (note: masking, though costly, is a privilege because it gives me a survival tool that some of my Autistic siblings cannot access). Through practicing neuro-embodiment I have realised the only way I can socialise while respecting my mindbody needs, is to talk about what is actually happening in my life and say the things I want to say. That means I am open from the first conversation about ongoing fertility struggles, autistic burnout and whatever my special interest of the moment is. For some people, they don’t know what to do with this. But for many, I have found, my honesty seems to unlock their own desire to be seen and heard for who they really are, and supported in the ways they really need. Often people will abandon small talk and open up - and when this happens I feel honoured to be present for that moment of true connection. And that’s what I want - community, connection, moments where we feel alive and in touch with our true selves and can create space for others to access that too.

And if that’s anti-social, so be it.

— AJ

Today’s Neuro-Embodiment Prompts:

Suggestions and questions to help you engage with mindbody decolonisation:

1. Do you have specific ideas of what socialising is? Where and how can you challenge colonial expectations around that?

2. Are you socialising or connecting? Who, what, where can you find nourishing human contact that creates space for you to respect your neuro-normal?